How N422bn was lost to Fuel Subsidy Fraud

 

Mr. Aigboje Aig-Imoukhuede

The Federal Government committee set up to verify 2011 fuel subsidy payments to oil marketers and importers has uncovered 17 infringements committed by the companies, which have cost the nation N422,542,937,668.59 in overpayments, THISDAY has learnt.
The committee, headed by the Managing Director/Chief Executive Officer of Access Bank Plc, Mr. Aigboje Aig-Imoukhuede, with Sola David-Borha, Managing Director, StanbicIBTC Plc as secretary, was set up by the Federal Ministry of Finance last May to undertake a forensic audit and verify claims by oil marketers and the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation, and the payments made to them by the ministry.
The report, which was submitted on Tuesday to the presidency and finance ministry, a copy of which was obtained by THISDAY reporters from sources in the presidency last night, showed that there are 17 broad categories of infringements used to defraud the Federal Government.
In fulfilling its assignment, the committee used a team of Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) examiners of the Banking Supervision and Trade Exchange Department, experienced bank auditors selected by the Chairman, Committee of Chief Inspectors of Banks and chief compliance officers of banks to review the subsidy payments made to the oil marketers, and went on to recommend that the N422 billion be refunded to the Federal Government and the companies investigated “provided that the parties involved in the transaction are unable to provide evidence contrary to the committee’s findings.”
The 17 infringements are: No evidence of sales proceeds in the banks – N157,549,854,482.55, meaning that the marketers did not have evidence of sales proceeds based on banks’ available records at the date of verification; •Subsidy payments without the signatures of external auditors and independent inspectors on shore tank certificates – N121,897,757,962.56; •Subsidy payments for which mother vessels were not found in locations claimed at the time of transshipment – N21,361,071,313.24; •Subsidy payments for which there were no shipping documents or evidence of payment for the products in foreign exchange – N20,463,525,859.79; and •$10 additional margin given to traders from November 2010 to 2011 with approval of the Federal Government contrary to the Petroleum Support Fund (PSF) guidelines. Others include specially mentioned transactions with various infractions – N15,944,918,661.23; •Use of 1 per cent as bank spread instead of the maximum 50 kobo approved by the CBN in computation of foreign exchange rates used for subsidy payments – N14,021,193,230.89; •Subsidy payments for which the mother vessels could not be traced – N12,942,254,466.24; •Transactions disclaimed by banks – N12,154,918,932.18; •Subsidy payments without proof of existence of the mother vessel bill of lading or daughter vessel bill of lading – N11,762,998,358.89; and •Subsidy payments for which mother vessels were no longer operational at the time of transshipment – N8,138,502,416.70.
Also included in the report are infringements on subsidy payments for which there was no copy of the bill of lading for ship-to-ship transfer – N4,634,317,239.53; •Payment of subsidy claims with no mother vessel bill of lading in the file – N1,938,927,804.98; •Subsidy payments for which mother vessels were located in the Far East (China) and in the South Pacific when transshipment took place off the coast of Cotonou – N1,713,787,473.21; •Differences between subsidies advised by PPPRA and subsequent verification by external auditors – N747,534,804.00 •N20 million re-engagement fees not charged for non-performance by marketers – N200,000,000 •Difference between the volume on the shore tank certificates and the volume used for the subsidy payment – N33,383,300.79.
Following the widespread protests that followed the removal of subsidy on petrol and its subsequent partial reinstatement last January, there were claims for a thorough investigation of the subsidy regime. This prompted the Federal Government to set up the committee of technocrats, apart from the National Assembly’s committee, which presidency sources said, “was unduly politicised and plagued by high drama.”
The Federal Government committee was made up of Aig-Imoukhuede (chairman); Director General, Budget Office of the Federation, Dr. Bright Okogu; Dr. Director General, Debt Management Office, Dr. Abraham Nwankwo; Accountant General of the Federation, Mr. Jonah Otunla; and Executive Secretary, Petroleum Products Pricing and Regulatory Agency (PPPRA), Mr. Reginald Stanley.
Other members included former Group Executive Director, Finance and Accounts, Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC), Mr. Michael Akorodare; Deputy Director, CBN, Mrs. Onyinye Ahuchogu; Mrs. David-Borha; National Secretary, Independent Petroleum Marketers Association of Nigeria (IPMAN), Mr. Mike Osatuyi; and Executive Secretary, Major Marketers Association of Nigeria (MOMAN), Mr. Obafemi Olawore

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Two sides of a coin, like Free Sex, like Patriotism ~ J.J. @omojuwa

The most expensive sex is free sex – Woody Allen Everyone remembers the words of President John Fitzgerald Kennedy “Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country,” but very few people remember the other things he said in that 1961 inaugural address. More often than not, this Kennedy quotation is thrown at citizens by leaders who are either failing to do the right thing for the citizens or by those who want to blackmail citizens under the guise of patriotism. In that same address, President Kennedy said “If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich,” and also said “ask of us the same high standards of strength and sacrifice which we ask of you.” There are reasons why these words matter. Patriotism is like free sex, it is indeed expensive, hence patriotism is neither in the real sense free and it is in fact not cheap.

Let us do a little talk about free sex. I believe people who have sex with themselves do it mostly in two forms; it is either paid for, or it is free. Those who pay for sex essentially engage the market norm of buying and selling. There is a negotiation process, there is an agreement, the sex and finally the walking away. After the sex, the relationship between the buyer and seller of the sex essentially ends. Whatever they discuss after that would amount to the beginning, most likely of a new negotiation. Free sex on the other hand is far more complex and relatively takes more time. More often than not, free sex takes place between two people dating or between friends who happen to find themselves in the “heat of the moment.” Either way, it requires certain commitments. When a man takes a woman out for the night and walks her to her door, he may ask to kiss her but if the woman refuses, the man is not expected to say something like “come woman, I have been taking you out all these days and spending money on you, all I ask is a kiss, at least for now.” If the man says that, the terms of their relationship will essentially shift from a social norm to a market one. If the woman at that point agrees to kiss him – which in rational cases which would not – the terms of their engagement would be based on commercial values as it simply means her kiss and eventually the sex was being paid for. It will never last beyond a market process eventually.

Except for modern day loose relationships, it costs a man time, many dinners, gifts, time bidding, patience and for some an element of luck to finally get that sex in the relationship. What they will not do is use the money and time they have spent as the central point of their bargain. Let us face it though, in real terms, the sex came about because all of those things the man did came to show some form of commitment and women essentially trust you when you’ve not only spoken of your love and care but when you have acted it. When a woman finally trusts you or at least yields to trusting you, she lets go of her body. The act of sleeping with you is the consummation of that submission.

What I have described here is a real relationship not the outliers that end up with sex on the first night. Placed side by side with the sex that was bargained and paid for, you’d see that like Woody Allen said, free sex is indeed the most expensive sex!

What has this got to do with patriotism? Everything! Whether or not you know it or admit it, generally speaking, Americans are more patriotic than Nigerians. Now, do not start thinking that is because of what Kennedy said about not asking what your country can do for you bla bla bla, it is because of so much more. An average American knows, and expects that when the chips are down, his country would be there. An average American knows that the purpose and essence of government is to serve him or her, an average American knows that government of the people, by the people and for the people more often than not turns out to be the case in their country. An average American knows that the death of one American is of great concern to the government and people of the United States. To cut the long story short, the average American knows and believes the state exists for him. Contrast these and the general perception of what it is to be an American citizen and what it is to be a Nigerian citizen and you’d easily see the reason for the gulf in patriotism. I have used America because an average Nigerian understands a description better when you use America. This is the same case with Sweden, with England, with close neighbours Ghana and indeed many countries where an average citizen always looks as though s/he could die for his country. Google the benefits that accrue to a fire man in America if he loses his life at the point of duty, then google that of the Nigerian police man who experiences the same fate. You expect the police man to face criminals in gun battles and be committed to the government and people they swore to defend but they remember their families at critical times like that and know that their families will be left alone and forgotten when they are gone.

Firefighters make their way over the ruins of the World Trade Center

The act of patriotism in citizens is essentially built overtime and it comes out of realities of what your country indeed had done and could do for you. Patriotism is free but it is extremely expensive. An average Nigerian in government wants to grab for him and his family. Everybody bids his/her time and looks to grab all they possibly can if/when they get the chance. The grab-grab mentality comes from the absence of not just patriotism but that of a sense of community. What happens to the families of a poor man who dies on duty? What kind of insurance exists for our school children and teachers? What happens to an average family after the bread winner is gone? We need to change our ways, we need to be true to ourselves, if the government of Nigeria as made up of Nigerians do not see and realise that, what a country gets out of its citizens is what it has invested therein, we would never rise beyond these dark tunnel. I do not swear, I only speak of realities of cause and effect, sowing and reaping, of universal laws that cannot be changed by any man or government no matter how they wish or pray against it. Prayers do not change the principles of God.

The police is a product of its government

It was Plato who said ““The heaviest penalty for declining to rule is to be ruled by someone inferior to yourself,” and that depicts the reality of our country today because when Napoleon Bonaparte said ““In politics, stupidity is not a handicap,” he was looking at the make-up of an average Nigerian politician. We watch media chats; we see this on display on national television.

The greatness of our country is the duty of our citizenship

Let me conclude with the words of Richelle Mead in Vampire Academy, “The greatest and most powerful revolutions often start very quietly, hidden in the shadows. Remember that.” Never forget that a time would come in our nation when the Nigerian would not only be proud of Nigeria because that is what he sees other citizens of the world do or because government is embarking on a “proudly Nigerian” campaign. Our pride would eventually come from knowing that we the people are the government, that we the people matter to the government, that we the people of Nigeria can enjoy the respect of those we elect to office. That time, our presidents would not come from do-or-die processes, they will not shirk from debates, neither will they not give a damn about us, because they will see that the pool of patriotism of we the people could sweep them off even with the blood of their own guilt. That time would come, you can choose to believe or doubt it, I have chosen to live and prepare for it. That day will come like a thief in the night or like the rage of a sweeping tide. We must make that time come

Two sides of a coin, like Free Sex, like Patriotism ~ J.J. @omojuwa

 

The most expensive sex is free sex – Woody Allen Everyone remembers the words of President John Fitzgerald Kennedy “Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country,” but very few people remember the other things he said in that 1961 inaugural address. More often than not, this Kennedy quotation is thrown at citizens by leaders who are either failing to do the right thing for the citizens or by those who want to blackmail citizens under the guise of patriotism. In that same address, President Kennedy said “If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich,” and also said “ask of us the same high standards of strength and sacrifice which we ask of you.” There are reasons why these words matter. Patriotism is like free sex, it is indeed expensive, hence patriotism is neither in the real sense free and it is in fact not cheap.

Let us do a little talk about free sex. I believe people who have sex with themselves do it mostly in two forms; it is either paid for, or it is free. Those who pay for sex essentially engage the market norm of buying and selling. There is a negotiation process, there is an agreement, the sex and finally the walking away. After the sex, the relationship between the buyer and seller of the sex essentially ends. Whatever they discuss after that would amount to the beginning, most likely of a new negotiation. Free sex on the other hand is far more complex and relatively takes more time. More often than not, free sex takes place between two people dating or between friends who happen to find themselves in the “heat of the moment.” Either way, it requires certain commitments. When a man takes a woman out for the night and walks her to her door, he may ask to kiss her but if the woman refuses, the man is not expected to say something like “come woman, I have been taking you out all these days and spending money on you, all I ask is a kiss, at least for now.” If the man says that, the terms of their relationship will essentially shift from a social norm to a market one. If the woman at that point agrees to kiss him – which in rational cases which would not – the terms of their engagement would be based on commercial values as it simply means her kiss and eventually the sex was being paid for. It will never last beyond a market process eventually.

Except for modern day loose relationships, it costs a man time, many dinners, gifts, time bidding, patience and for some an element of luck to finally get that sex in the relationship. What they will not do is use the money and time they have spent as the central point of their bargain. Let us face it though, in real terms, the sex came about because all of those things the man did came to show some form of commitment and women essentially trust you when you’ve not only spoken of your love and care but when you have acted it. When a woman finally trusts you or at least yields to trusting you, she lets go of her body. The act of sleeping with you is the consummation of that submission.

What I have described here is a real relationship not the outliers that end up with sex on the first night. Placed side by side with the sex that was bargained and paid for, you’d see that like Woody Allen said, free sex is indeed the most expensive sex! 

What has this got to do with patriotism? Everything! Whether or not you know it or admit it, generally speaking, Americans are more patriotic than Nigerians. Now, do not start thinking that is because of what Kennedy said about not asking what your country can do for you bla bla bla, it is because of so much more. An average American knows, and expects that when the chips are down, his country would be there. An average American knows that the purpose and essence of government is to serve him or her, an average American knows that government of the people, by the people and for the people more often than not turns out to be the case in their country. An average American knows that the death of one American is of great concern to the government and people of the United States. To cut the long story short, the average American knows and believes the state exists for him. Contrast these and the general perception of what it is to be an American citizen and what it is to be a Nigerian citizen and you’d easily see the reason for the gulf in patriotism. I have used America because an average Nigerian understands a description better when you use America. This is the same case with Sweden, with England, with close neighbours Ghana and indeed many countries where an average citizen always looks as though s/he could die for his country. Google the benefits that accrue to a fire man in America if he loses his life at the point of duty, then google that of the Nigerian police man who experiences the same fate. You expect the police man to face criminals in gun battles and be committed to the government and people they swore to defend but they remember their families at critical times like that and know that their families will be left alone and forgotten when they are gone.

Firefighters make their way over the ruins of the World Trade Center

The act of patriotism in citizens is essentially built overtime and it comes out of realities of what your country indeed had done and could do for you. Patriotism is free but it is extremely expensive. An average Nigerian in government wants to grab for him and his family. Everybody bids his/her time and looks to grab all they possibly can if/when they get the chance. The grab-grab mentality comes from the absence of not just patriotism but that of a sense of community. What happens to the families of a poor man who dies on duty? What kind of insurance exists for our school children and teachers? What happens to an average family after the bread winner is gone? We need to change our ways, we need to be true to ourselves, if the government of Nigeria as made up of Nigerians do not see and realise that, what a country gets out of its citizens is what it has invested therein, we would never rise beyond these dark tunnel. I do not swear, I only speak of realities of cause and effect, sowing and reaping, of universal laws that cannot be changed by any man or government no matter how they wish or pray against it. Prayers do not change the principles of God.

The police is a product of its government

It was Plato who said ““The heaviest penalty for declining to rule is to be ruled by someone inferior to yourself,” and that depicts the reality of our country today because when Napoleon Bonaparte said ““In politics, stupidity is not a handicap,” he was looking at the make-up of an average Nigerian politician. We watch media chats; we see this on display on national television.

The greatness of our country is the duty of our citizenship

Let me conclude with the words of Richelle Mead in Vampire Academy, “The greatest and most powerful revolutions often start very quietly, hidden in the shadows. Remember that.” Never forget that a time would come in our nation when the Nigerian would not only be proud of Nigeria because that is what he sees other citizens of the world do or because government is embarking on a “proudly Nigerian” campaign. Our pride would eventually come from knowing that we the people are the government, that we the people matter to the government, that we the people of Nigeria can enjoy the respect of those we elect to office. That time, our presidents would not come from do-or-die processes, they will not shirk from debates, neither will they not give a damn about us, because they will see that the pool of patriotism of we the people could sweep them off even with the blood of their own guilt. That time would come, you can choose to believe or doubt it, I have chosen to live and prepare for it. That day will come like a thief in the night or like the rage of a sweeping tide. We must make that time come

Two sides of a coin, like Free Sex, like Patriotism ~ J.J. @omojuwa

 

The most expensive sex is free sex – Woody Allen Everyone remembers the words of President John Fitzgerald Kennedy “Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country,” but very few people remember the other things he said in that 1961 inaugural address. More often than not, this Kennedy quotation is thrown at citizens by leaders who are either failing to do the right thing for the citizens or by those who want to blackmail citizens under the guise of patriotism. In that same address, President Kennedy said “If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich,” and also said “ask of us the same high standards of strength and sacrifice which we ask of you.” There are reasons why these words matter. Patriotism is like free sex, it is indeed expensive, hence patriotism is neither in the real sense free and it is in fact not cheap.

Let us do a little talk about free sex. I believe people who have sex with themselves do it mostly in two forms; it is either paid for, or it is free. Those who pay for sex essentially engage the market norm of buying and selling. There is a negotiation process, there is an agreement, the sex and finally the walking away. After the sex, the relationship between the buyer and seller of the sex essentially ends. Whatever they discuss after that would amount to the beginning, most likely of a new negotiation. Free sex on the other hand is far more complex and relatively takes more time. More often than not, free sex takes place between two people dating or between friends who happen to find themselves in the “heat of the moment.” Either way, it requires certain commitments. When a man takes a woman out for the night and walks her to her door, he may ask to kiss her but if the woman refuses, the man is not expected to say something like “come woman, I have been taking you out all these days and spending money on you, all I ask is a kiss, at least for now.” If the man says that, the terms of their relationship will essentially shift from a social norm to a market one. If the woman at that point agrees to kiss him – which in rational cases which would not – the terms of their engagement would be based on commercial values as it simply means her kiss and eventually the sex was being paid for. It will never last beyond a market process eventually.

Except for modern day loose relationships, it costs a man time, many dinners, gifts, time bidding, patience and for some an element of luck to finally get that sex in the relationship. What they will not do is use the money and time they have spent as the central point of their bargain. Let us face it though, in real terms, the sex came about because all of those things the man did came to show some form of commitment and women essentially trust you when you’ve not only spoken of your love and care but when you have acted it. When a woman finally trusts you or at least yields to trusting you, she lets go of her body. The act of sleeping with you is the consummation of that submission.

What I have described here is a real relationship not the outliers that end up with sex on the first night. Placed side by side with the sex that was bargained and paid for, you’d see that like Woody Allen said, free sex is indeed the most expensive sex! 

What has this got to do with patriotism? Everything! Whether or not you know it or admit it, generally speaking, Americans are more patriotic than Nigerians. Now, do not start thinking that is because of what Kennedy said about not asking what your country can do for you bla bla bla, it is because of so much more. An average American knows, and expects that when the chips are down, his country would be there. An average American knows that the purpose and essence of government is to serve him or her, an average American knows that government of the people, by the people and for the people more often than not turns out to be the case in their country. An average American knows that the death of one American is of great concern to the government and people of the United States. To cut the long story short, the average American knows and believes the state exists for him. Contrast these and the general perception of what it is to be an American citizen and what it is to be a Nigerian citizen and you’d easily see the reason for the gulf in patriotism. I have used America because an average Nigerian understands a description better when you use America. This is the same case with Sweden, with England, with close neighbours Ghana and indeed many countries where an average citizen always looks as though s/he could die for his country. Google the benefits that accrue to a fire man in America if he loses his life at the point of duty, then google that of the Nigerian police man who experiences the same fate. You expect the police man to face criminals in gun battles and be committed to the government and people they swore to defend but they remember their families at critical times like that and know that their families will be left alone and forgotten when they are gone.

Firefighters make their way over the ruins of the World Trade Center

The act of patriotism in citizens is essentially built overtime and it comes out of realities of what your country indeed had done and could do for you. Patriotism is free but it is extremely expensive. An average Nigerian in government wants to grab for him and his family. Everybody bids his/her time and looks to grab all they possibly can if/when they get the chance. The grab-grab mentality comes from the absence of not just patriotism but that of a sense of community. What happens to the families of a poor man who dies on duty? What kind of insurance exists for our school children and teachers? What happens to an average family after the bread winner is gone? We need to change our ways, we need to be true to ourselves, if the government of Nigeria as made up of Nigerians do not see and realise that, what a country gets out of its citizens is what it has invested therein, we would never rise beyond these dark tunnel. I do not swear, I only speak of realities of cause and effect, sowing and reaping, of universal laws that cannot be changed by any man or government no matter how they wish or pray against it. Prayers do not change the principles of God.

The police is a product of its government

It was Plato who said ““The heaviest penalty for declining to rule is to be ruled by someone inferior to yourself,” and that depicts the reality of our country today because when Napoleon Bonaparte said ““In politics, stupidity is not a handicap,” he was looking at the make-up of an average Nigerian politician. We watch media chats; we see this on display on national television.

The greatness of our country is the duty of our citizenship

Let me conclude with the words of Richelle Mead in Vampire Academy, “The greatest and most powerful revolutions often start very quietly, hidden in the shadows. Remember that.” Never forget that a time would come in our nation when the Nigerian would not only be proud of Nigeria because that is what he sees other citizens of the world do or because government is embarking on a “proudly Nigerian” campaign. Our pride would eventually come from knowing that we the people are the government, that we the people matter to the government, that we the people of Nigeria can enjoy the respect of those we elect to office. That time, our presidents would not come from do-or-die processes, they will not shirk from debates, neither will they not give a damn about us, because they will see that the pool of patriotism of we the people could sweep them off even with the blood of their own guilt. That time would come, you can choose to believe or doubt it, I have chosen to live and prepare for it. That day will come like a thief in the night or like the rage of a sweeping tide. We must make that time come

The Hidden Leader in You by DR MYLES MUNROE

The Hidden Leader in You

 
An army of sheep led by a lion will always defeat an army of lions led by a sheep. This concept became real to me during one of my trips to the continent of the cradle of humanity, Africa. It was there, deep in the village lands of the African bush, that I heard a story that encapsulated what I have come to understand as the missing link in the leadership development process.
It was a sunny but cool day in the bustling, modern city of Harare, the capital of the southern African nation of Zimbabwe. I had just finished speaking in the conference center of the Harare Hilton to over 5,000 leaders. As the guest of one of the largest community organizations in the nation, I had been invited to provide leadership training and motivational sessions for aspiring and seasonal leaders. This was our last session after over seven days of presentations. At the end of the session, my host asked if I would consider going to another town to speak to an additional group of leaders who had asked if I would come to them. I gladly consented, and arrangements were made for my driver who also served as my interpreter and me to leave at first light the next morning.
We started out at six o’clock, and after driving for almost two hours, we finally left the modern city lights and were greeted by unpaved roads, dusty villages, and dense green forests. Just when I thought we were about to arrive, my driver indicated that we still had another two hours to go before we arrived at our village destination. Suddenly, I realized that we were headed for a safari experience. After another bumpy two hours through what seemed to be jungle, we finally entered a clearing. There stood a group pf children who suddenly broke into wild, excited chanting, as if they had just experience the end of a long anticipation.

An Army Sheep Led By A Lion Will Always Defeat An Army Of Lions Led By A Sheep.
 
As we came to a noisy stop, a group of happy men emerged from a large thatched hut. They were led by a gentle man wearing a welcoming smile and simple clothing. We embraced, and he invited me in to the grass-roofed building in which over three hundred men and women sat eagerly waiting for us to begin the teaching session. I was deeply humbled by the hunger and patience of these beautiful people, and I gave them my best. It was a joy to be so well received.
 
After these session, the chief of the village invited me to a special dinner in my honor where I was treated to cuisines traditional to village life and culture some familiar to me and some not. It was during this meal that the chief told me the story that taught me a lesson in leadership I will never forget

OMG…LOL @ PRESIDENT GEJ by Dr Damages

OMG, someone dial 911. I stumbled upon a new avatar of my president, Dr. Goodluck Jonathan, during his 3rd media chat. Widget! Hi5.

What a second life you have, my president! What a perfect timeline for a come back kid! You nailed it, Mr. President. Your Klout score just shot up. It was the social media, stupid. I should have known that all along. I’m hanging my head in shame for being with the flash mob.

Man, I didn’t know you were so dope. My presido! Bookmark it. You, my man, were made for social media. I commend you for your damn frankness. What you see is what you get. I dig it. Add this. You earned a groundswell of love from me.

WTF! That media chat of yours was off the hook. I was rolling on the floor laughing my head off. I swear, why have you been acting all these while as if your parents were watching you on Skype?

Dude, you got something going for you there. Stop hiding it under the shelf. Get it out a lot more. Keep it simple. Bitly is always good. Don’t forget the hashtag. Let the world see how cool you are. #GEJmyPresidentisCoolerthanyours

Please tell me more. Add my subscription to your news feed. I was smiling from ear to ear. What’s up with that wicked sense of humor? To be honest, it has got to be continued – this media chat. You gave me a very big grin. It works for me. It has got to be continued. Next time it should be on Google Hangout.

In my less than humble opinion, who gives a hoot about Boko Haram? You’re the president. Your words are as solid as Geisha. Those who do not like it should jump into the River Niger. Or better still, they should get the heck out of here. These bored bloggers on Tumblr.

Come on! If you didn’t say it, I would have continued to think that my reality needs to be adjusted. That you did not declare your assets publicly as a Google + spreadsheet has nothing to do with corruption. Corruption is a Nigerian phenomenon. It is about public officials who declare more than they have to make room for the loots they plan to steal. You’re not into stuff like that.

Silly me! You declared your assets in 2007. How much could you have made in 5 years? Not much, of course. No big deal. Not in this depressed economy. It’s not like you own a farm like Obasanjo- a broke Otah Farm that started to make millions in dollars as soon as he became president.

If I remember correctly, Yar’Adua declared his assets. Foursquare him and see what happened to him! He gave his enemies too much information. They ate his body until nothing was left. You shouldn’t fall into that trap my presido. That is so not fair.

I mean, nothing is left of your security votes because you gave it all to Gen. Andrew Azazi. Never mind that he had nothing to show for it. And nothing was left of your N1billion naira food allowance of the past two years because Pius Anyim comes around every evening to finish what would have been left over meals. #FollowFriday.

You know, I have been so stupid trusting a Photoshop picture of you crying at the Dana plane crash site and a doctored YouTube clip of you smiling as you relayed the news of bombings at churches in Kaduna – all hypertext markup body language. Not a lot of friends know that evil people spend their time manipulating perceptions. They will Eventbrite and Livestream a president’s execution. They will sell the president’s white handkerchief on Craigslist.

Man, you kicked really good those black behinds who thought you were weak. You asked that we give you one year to see the result of your work. I say, why one year? Take all the time you need. Take a vacation, I say, for kicking Boko Haram’s behind. No kidding. When you come back, engage the social media pain-in-the-tush low lives. Pulling a PhD holder down is the quintessential Nigerian phenomenon.

I agree with you. No talking to faceless Boko Haram. And no media access to faceless social media nitwits. Let them show their faces and use their real names if they want to get your attention. Please! It’s face to face or forget them. Let them rant all they want. It’s their fingers that would bleed.

If the people in Maiduguri want you to fly to their state, let them fix their airport. How can they be making bombs but they can’t pour ordinary concrete on the floor of their airport’s runway? You’re right about using helicopter. No homeboy of mine will fly into a raggedy airport. For what? LOL.

You don’t manage the economy so why do they ask you senseless questions about the economy? You don’t manage electricity. So why do they ask those none search engine optimization questions? Those guys are so dumb. Unfriend them on Facebook fast. Next time, no response is necessary. Next time, instant message them that you cannot manage Patience and still manage anything else. That will be asking for too much from one man.

I have succeeded in filling in the blanks. I blamed it all on social media. Before the advent of social media, other presidents had a jolly good time. Now every presidential fart is enhanced and firefoxed into the cyber space via tweeter. Even when a president eats cassava bread, the picture goes to Instagram and is dumped into Flicker and pasted on Facebook pages. Tell them, be my guest. Paying them any mind is a complete waste of time.

Do you see what I mean? I have no doubt anymore that you are not dumb. Anything you say off the top of your head is misconstrued- even your metaphors are confused with proverbs. You just don’t want to give ammunition to @DrDamages – that you-cannot-hold-accountable-men-you-worship son-of-a-gun. That makes no sense. I won’t do that either if I were in your shoes. Viagra Falls joke @Obasanjo. Coconut head jokes @GEJ. No.

I hope this helps. As far as I am concerned, you’re the man. You have answered all the frequently asked questions. And you stored it on podcast. Anyone not satisfied should go and get a life.

Presido, count me as your lurker. Give me something to retweet. You’re trending. Check your email. Got to go. May the force be with you. TTYL.

PRESIDENT Jonathan Attracts Foreign Investments in Rio by Pius Adesanmi

(At the lobby of the most expensive hotel in Rio de Janeiro. Overwhelmed hotel staff scurry hither and thither as they try to cope with the Nigerian delegation comprising not more than three hundred and twenty-five and a half persons.

Seventy-five members of the delegation are shouting on top of their voices, insisting that hotel staff need Portuguese translations for “big man”, “all protocols observed”, “estacode”, “Chief”, “Alhaji”, “advance party”, “Chieftain”, “Stakeholder”, “First Lady”, “convoy” “personal assistant” “special adviser”, “senior special adviser”, “special room service”, “cash payment”, “anticipated payment”, “miscellaneous expenses”, and so on and so forth, in order to provide proper service to the Nigerian delegation. To the left, in a quiet conference room, twenty-five Western Business Executives, led by Mr. Albert Schreiber, are seated, sipping tea, coffee, doing small talk, and glancing anxiously at their Rolex wristwatches. On the conference table in front of each Executive: an ipad, a blackberry, The Economist, and Wall Street Journal. At the opposite side of the table, Ruby, Orontus, Renoks, some ministers, and state governors are sweating. On the table before them: half-eaten kolanuts, bitter kola, alligator pepper, tomtom, and old copies of ThisDay. The Nigerians avoid the inquisitive gaze of the potential foreign investors.)

“Orontus”

“Yes, Ruby boy, wetin?”

“Wey oga now, ehn? Which kain yawa be dis? These people are getting restless o. Na we fix this meeting for 9:00 am. This is 11:00 am and oga still never come.”

“Hum”

“Orontus, na hum you go talk? Even the Minister of Trade and Foreign Direct Investment is not yet here. Renoks, wey oga trade?”

“He needed to accompany his madam to the shopping mall this morning. I saw them when they were leaving. He promised he would be back in time for this meeting. Maybe traffic jam catch dem.”

“Ok o, but what about Oga now? What do we do now? Abi make we go check wetin dey happen for the Presidential suite?”

“Ruby”

“Yes, Orontus”

“When you reach there, don’t stop at the reception area of the Presidential suite. Go inside the presidential bedroom. Check inside the sheets of the presidential bed. If you find oga there, drag him here to this meeting”

“Orontus, you think say na joking matter be dis? Is this the time for sarcasm?”

“Do I sound like I’m joking? Go drag oga come now. Luckily for you, I hear say Nduka Obaigbena dey reorganize in case they don’t take you back at Rutam Times when we reach home. E be like say wetin we dey chop for Villa don tire you. Otherwise, which one be your own? Your papa name na Nigeria? Are we not all here together waiting for oga? And you are here trying to call oga a late comer”

“Ehn, emi ke? Call oga a late comer? Mewa baba mi o to be. Who born me? I never speak words that are bigger than my mouth o. Orontus, please don’t misunderstand me. I am not calling oga a late comer o”

“Ehen, are you trying to say that I am lying?”

“No now, Orontus, you too dey quick vex. I am just saying that Oga fixed this meeting for 9:00 am himself and it is now 11:00 am. And look at our foreign partners. They are getting restless. I am just saying we should at least pretend that we are doing something to get oga here. At least we can ask Renoks to go and check what is happening upstairs.”

“Ruby, you will never learn the tricks of this trade. What do you think Renoks has been doing on his ipad here all morning? You think he is playing Ludo?”

“Oh, is he not just reading newspapers to keep busy while we wait for oga?”

(Orontus and Renoks explode in laughter)

“Renoks, abeg, help out our friend Ruby. What are you doing on your ipad?”

“Oga Ruby, I am tweeting and also posting updates on the President’s Facebook Wall about the spectacular success of this meeting with foreign investors.”

“I don’t understand. Which meeting?”

“Oga Ruby, this meeting wey we dey now.”

“I don’t get it. This meeting wey we never see oga? This meeting wey we never start?”

“Oga Ruby, you are the one saying that the meeting has not started and we never see oga. That is not what my tweets and Facebook updates are saying.”

(Something beeps in Orontus’s pocket. He springs to attention.)

“Ah, oga is on his way o.”

(All the Nigerians spring to attention. The CEOs look bemused. President Jonathan breezes in and the CEOs finally stand up in respect but the look on their faces betrays their irritation at the President’s lateness. Two dozen aides buzz around the President as he makes his way to his designated seat. Some are carrying his papers. One is carrying his briefcase. One is carrying his cell phones. One is carrying his ipad. The President seats and invites all to seat but only the foreign CEOs seat. The Nigerians remain standing.)

“Gentlemen, I think you are all familiar with African time? Anyway, sorry, I’m late. These things happen.”

(You could hear a pin drop. The foreign CEOs do not share the President’s humour. Ruby winces painfully. Orontus scowls at him.)

“Anyway, we all know why we are here. Thank you for your interest in Nigeria. Before we start, I will invite two of the state governors in my delegation to each give a short welcome address.”

(Each Governor takes 20 minutes to run through protocol before delivering his address. One hour later.)

“Now gentlemen, we can get down to business.”

“Thank you, Mr President, it’s good that we are getting to see Nigerian culture. Can you at least ask the members of your delegation to sit down? We are not used to holding meetings with our potential partners standing up.”

“Did you hear him? You people should sit down.”

“Ah, Mr President, we are all fine like this sir. Just continue the meeting. You know oyinbo people don’t understand respect for protocol and constituted authority. Just continue the meeting sir.”

“Mr. Schreiber.”

“Yes, Mr President.”

“I think you heard them. My people are ok standing. How much did you say your company was thinking of investing in my country’s energy sector?”

“We are looking at something in the neighbourhood of a billion dollars from now till 2015 Mr. President.”

“2015? I thought you were looking at a long term investment?”

“Yes, Mr President. But we think it is prudent to wait and see what happens after 2015. We understand it’s an election year in your country sir. Forgive me but we did our homework. We understand that every new government cancels contracts and agreements entered into by their predecessors.”

“That’s correct, Mr Schreiber. I will not lie to you. But that means you should look at working with us till 2019. We have another four years starting from 2015.”

“You know the results of the 2015 elections already sir?”

(The Nigerians burst out laughing.)

“Orontus!”

“Yes, Mr President sir.”

“Where is INEC? Go and call INEC. Tell him to come and see our foreign partners and reassure them.”

(Orontus rushes out and returns with INEC. INEC gives the CEOs the desired reassurances.)

“Mr Schreiber.”

“Yes, Mr. President.”

“You just heard directly from my INEC. I travel everywhere with him because of people like you. Now that you know that I will be in office after 2015, can we get back to business?”

“Yes, Mr President. We need a lot of concessions. We want a tax holiday for the entire duration of our operations in Nigeria. We want a 100% expatriate quota. We will need only Nigerian drivers, messengers, and domestic staff for our expatriates. There are local Nigerian companies into our line of business. We expect you to do something about that as we do not tolerate competition. We have prepared a blueprint of our investment plan for your delegation to look at sir. If you meet our demands and conditions, we shall take care of our own special obligations to you and your designated political associates sir. We have done our homework sir. We know that Siemens, Halliburton, and Malabu messed up while taking care of special obligations. Our approach to special obligations is Wikileaks-proof.”

“Now you are talking, Mr Schreiber. Since you understand the language of special obligations, we don’t even need to see the blueprint you have prepared. When do you plan to come and start business in Nigeria?”

“Are you sure that you don’t need to see the blueprint, Mr. President? We are asking for many concessions. Will your National Assembly not at least need to debate the concessions we are asking for?”

(The Nigerians burst out laughing again.)

“Renoks!”

“Yes, Mr President sir.”

“I think we have some Senators in our entourage? Go and call them for me.”

(Renoks dashes off and returns with two Senators.)

“My brother Senators.”

“Yes your Excellency sir.”

“Our friends here are worried that you and your boys will cause problems for us. Can you please reassure them? Mr Schreiber, these are serving Senators from my country. Please listen to them.”

“Ehem, Mr. Schreiber, you people should not worry. You can do business with Mr. President. We will do oversight but what we see and oversee depends on what you want us to see and how Mr. President wants us to see it.”

“Ok sirs. I understand. We don’t want you to see anything. I have assured Mr. President that we know how to make you not want to see anything.We will take care of our special obligations to you. We are more careful than Halliburton, Siemens, and Malabu. We are Wikileaks-proof. Name where you want your special obligations deposited. Switzerland? London? Washington? Dubai? ”

“In that case, welcome to Nigeria. We’ll get back to you about location. Those places you mention are no longer safe havens for special obligations. Especially London. Mr President, these are wonderful foreign investors o. They speak our language.”

“Mr. Schreiber, now that you have been reassured by my Senators, I think you understand that you people can come and start as soon as possible. Now let us go to the second item on the agenda. Protocols of ratification and publicity of this deal in our respective countries. I think…”

(The President is interrupted by a commotion outside the conference room. The Nigerian First Lady, accompanied by two trailer loads of aides, approaches the venue of the meeting. Orontus, Renoks, and Ruby rush out to meet her.)

“Useless people. Nonsense people. Do you know who I am? I will no longer take it from you people. The Office of the First Lady is also very important. What is he still doing at that business meeting? You people are preventing him from attending my own event. Ah, Orontus, Ruby, and Renoks, you people are here too? You are part of the conspiracy?”

“No ma.”

“My friends, don’t no ma me. You people know that Miss Brazil 2012 invited me to cut the tape and declare open her new fashion boutique today and I warned you that my husband should be by my side at the ceremony. You assured me you won’t keep him long. Now, I am two hours late for my event and he is still there with those oyibo business men. Abeg, what kind of meeting are you people having? I won’t leave this place until you call Ebele out for me o. Just imagine. NTA crew has already gone to the venue.”

“But, ma…”

“Orontus, nor vex me today o. I don’t want to hear any ma from any of you. Just go and call Ebele for me now now or me and you will enter the same trouser today.”

(Orontus rushes back to the meeting room and whispers to the President who abandons the meeting, leaving his aides to explain things to the flabbergasted foreign investors. The investors leave after being reassured that the deal is sealed. Later, over beer at the hotel lobby.)

“Ruby boy.”

“Yes, Orontus.”

“How did oga end today’s meeting?”

“He negotiated very hard and signed memoranda of understanding with the foreign investors on terms that are very favorable to Nigeria.”

“Good. And did you see the First Lady and her aides anywhere near the venue of the meeting?”

“Which First Lady? I didn’t see any First Lady anywhere near the meeting o. And which aides? The First Lady is here in Rio with her own aides?”

“Good. Very good, Ruby. Great answers. This is what I’m talking about. You are beginning to understand how we do it. If you don’t acquire the instinct of straight-faced automatic denial, you don’t belong in the Villa. You can only get better going forward.”

“You think so, Orontus? It’s not easy o, especially the part where I have to keep a straight face when saying these things.”

“Trust me, Ruby, you can only get better.”

“I trust you, Orontus.”