OMG, someone dial 911. I stumbled upon a new avatar of my president, Dr. Goodluck Jonathan, during his 3rd media chat. Widget! Hi5.

What a second life you have, my president! What a perfect timeline for a come back kid! You nailed it, Mr. President. Your Klout score just shot up. It was the social media, stupid. I should have known that all along. I’m hanging my head in shame for being with the flash mob.

Man, I didn’t know you were so dope. My presido! Bookmark it. You, my man, were made for social media. I commend you for your damn frankness. What you see is what you get. I dig it. Add this. You earned a groundswell of love from me.

WTF! That media chat of yours was off the hook. I was rolling on the floor laughing my head off. I swear, why have you been acting all these while as if your parents were watching you on Skype?

Dude, you got something going for you there. Stop hiding it under the shelf. Get it out a lot more. Keep it simple. Bitly is always good. Don’t forget the hashtag. Let the world see how cool you are. #GEJmyPresidentisCoolerthanyours

Please tell me more. Add my subscription to your news feed. I was smiling from ear to ear. What’s up with that wicked sense of humor? To be honest, it has got to be continued – this media chat. You gave me a very big grin. It works for me. It has got to be continued. Next time it should be on Google Hangout.

In my less than humble opinion, who gives a hoot about Boko Haram? You’re the president. Your words are as solid as Geisha. Those who do not like it should jump into the River Niger. Or better still, they should get the heck out of here. These bored bloggers on Tumblr.

Come on! If you didn’t say it, I would have continued to think that my reality needs to be adjusted. That you did not declare your assets publicly as a Google + spreadsheet has nothing to do with corruption. Corruption is a Nigerian phenomenon. It is about public officials who declare more than they have to make room for the loots they plan to steal. You’re not into stuff like that.

Silly me! You declared your assets in 2007. How much could you have made in 5 years? Not much, of course. No big deal. Not in this depressed economy. It’s not like you own a farm like Obasanjo- a broke Otah Farm that started to make millions in dollars as soon as he became president.

If I remember correctly, Yar’Adua declared his assets. Foursquare him and see what happened to him! He gave his enemies too much information. They ate his body until nothing was left. You shouldn’t fall into that trap my presido. That is so not fair.

I mean, nothing is left of your security votes because you gave it all to Gen. Andrew Azazi. Never mind that he had nothing to show for it. And nothing was left of your N1billion naira food allowance of the past two years because Pius Anyim comes around every evening to finish what would have been left over meals. #FollowFriday.

You know, I have been so stupid trusting a Photoshop picture of you crying at the Dana plane crash site and a doctored YouTube clip of you smiling as you relayed the news of bombings at churches in Kaduna – all hypertext markup body language. Not a lot of friends know that evil people spend their time manipulating perceptions. They will Eventbrite and Livestream a president’s execution. They will sell the president’s white handkerchief on Craigslist.

Man, you kicked really good those black behinds who thought you were weak. You asked that we give you one year to see the result of your work. I say, why one year? Take all the time you need. Take a vacation, I say, for kicking Boko Haram’s behind. No kidding. When you come back, engage the social media pain-in-the-tush low lives. Pulling a PhD holder down is the quintessential Nigerian phenomenon.

I agree with you. No talking to faceless Boko Haram. And no media access to faceless social media nitwits. Let them show their faces and use their real names if they want to get your attention. Please! It’s face to face or forget them. Let them rant all they want. It’s their fingers that would bleed.

If the people in Maiduguri want you to fly to their state, let them fix their airport. How can they be making bombs but they can’t pour ordinary concrete on the floor of their airport’s runway? You’re right about using helicopter. No homeboy of mine will fly into a raggedy airport. For what? LOL.

You don’t manage the economy so why do they ask you senseless questions about the economy? You don’t manage electricity. So why do they ask those none search engine optimization questions? Those guys are so dumb. Unfriend them on Facebook fast. Next time, no response is necessary. Next time, instant message them that you cannot manage Patience and still manage anything else. That will be asking for too much from one man.

I have succeeded in filling in the blanks. I blamed it all on social media. Before the advent of social media, other presidents had a jolly good time. Now every presidential fart is enhanced and firefoxed into the cyber space via tweeter. Even when a president eats cassava bread, the picture goes to Instagram and is dumped into Flicker and pasted on Facebook pages. Tell them, be my guest. Paying them any mind is a complete waste of time.

Do you see what I mean? I have no doubt anymore that you are not dumb. Anything you say off the top of your head is misconstrued- even your metaphors are confused with proverbs. You just don’t want to give ammunition to @DrDamages – that you-cannot-hold-accountable-men-you-worship son-of-a-gun. That makes no sense. I won’t do that either if I were in your shoes. Viagra Falls joke @Obasanjo. Coconut head jokes @GEJ. No.

I hope this helps. As far as I am concerned, you’re the man. You have answered all the frequently asked questions. And you stored it on podcast. Anyone not satisfied should go and get a life.

Presido, count me as your lurker. Give me something to retweet. You’re trending. Check your email. Got to go. May the force be with you. TTYL.

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